AVERSION TO COERCION
October 2006

A series of dialogues and reader's emails has nudged me to respond to a practice that is long overdue for a change. I appreciate so many of you putting voice to your unease and concern regarding this topic. My intention in responding to this is not to belittle or blame. Rather, I am hoping you will open your heart and mind to another way of "being" with children and yourself.

Let's begin here. I invite you to take a moment to reflect on this question: "How was my day today?" Wait, don't answer it yet….First, I am going to limit your response to three pictorial options: A) Happy Face, B) Neutral Face, or C) Sad Face. Remember, this is your ENTIRE day. OK, NOW, choose ONE. Which one did you select? If you chose the Happy Face, you've been a GOOD person and you get a piece of candy (not really,
but play along with me if you will). If the Neutral Face was your choice, well, not much of anything happens although you may have been warned about your behavior/actions and are now on thin ice. And then there's the Sad Face (Bad person) in which you will now experience a punishment or loss of a "privilege". You wonder "What on earth is she talking about?!" I wonder about this craziness too!

What I am describing is what occurs in countless early childhood classrooms - actually variations of this
practice exist up through high school. Daily, teachers use "behavior charts" (described above) aligned with reward/punishment systems to communicate with parents or caregivers regarding a child's behavior or more accurately, a child's compliance. Incidentally, there's no way to know what happens when or if the parent reads and reacts to the information. This so-called "behavior management system" is being disguised as discipline when in truth, it is more in alignment with what we know as "bullying" - habitually intimidating smaller or weaker people. I know this may sound harsh yet I will explain.

First of all, were you remotely able to summarize your entire day into a single word - good or bad or whatever? Wasn't your day filled with a full range of emotions, experiences and interactions? Yet educators make these subjective decisions every day about the learners in "their" classrooms - the child was good/bad, right/wrong, compliant/noncompliant - all black and white thinking. How is it possible to capture all the vibrancy and liveliness of a child's day into a silly symbol? Children attend school 6 - 7 (sometimes 8 or more) hours a day. What if a child hits another child, talks back, has difficulty attending to tasks or following directions? Can any one of these single incidents erase all the "acceptable" others? Is the day a complete loss? I think not. Don't
get me wrong - I'm not endorsing children harm one another. I am just questioning how ludicrous it is to label a child or the day "good" or "bad" based on single events that do not meet the teacher's rules or approval. By the way, have you noticed that more boys than girls get "sad faces" checked or circled on their charts??? Hmmm….

Let's take a closer at this process. When children/students do not do what adults/teachers command them to, rather than seeking understanding and equitable solutions, adults tend to resort to threats and bribes as a means of manipulation or to get their way (after all, adults know what children need more than children know - little sarcasm here). This coercion may show up in the form of stickers, candy, toys, marbles/buttons/beans/sticks in a jar (earn X amount and you can exchange them for prizes), time-outs, detention, privileges (or rights) offered or taken away, and on and on. Most children respond with temporary obedience - working for the "goodies" or avoiding punishment - same as pets!

Contrary to popular belief, children are NOT wild animals needing taming and restraining. Nor are they a set of behaviors needing shaping. Children are born unto this world whole, perfect, complete, precious, and filled with unlimited possibilities desiring full expression. They are lovable simply because they breathe. When we believe anything other than this truth, we resort to control, obedience, management, subservience, submission, containment - similar to how we corral cattle. Our mission as caring adults is to nurture and nourish children's wonder-fullness, gifts, talents, passions, hopes and dreams - not to instill fear or harness their pure potentiality. It is our responsibility and honor to serve as guides, facilitators, mentors, assistants and travel agents to lovingly support their personal and magnificent journey.

The damaging effects of reward, punishment, or "illogical" consequence systems are numerous and long-lasting. When children concede to working primarily for rewards routinely dangled in front of them or to avoid harsh penalties, they are robbed of the value and beauty of learning. Instead, children discover the least resistive path of completing assignments quickly, simply to please the "rewarder" or evade the "punisher".

I was teaching at a school last year where the student council decided to raise money for Hurricane Katrina survivors. They named this noble project "Coins for Katrina". Immediately there was lots of excitement and buzz about contributing to the well-being of others traumatized by loss. Unfortunately, the project was converted into
a contest - the class raising the most money wins a pizza party (reward). Guess where the student's
enthusiasm shifted to - competing for a pizza party! Students were deprived of the joy of compassionately giving from their hearts to instead satisfying their belly. Come to think of it, when I was a Girl Scout, my peers and I competed to sell boxes of cookies with the sole intention of winning the top prize. To this day, I still don't know what that fundraiser funds! Do you?

Lurking behind rewards exists what many label as "consequences". Although this method is considered "user friendly" by the profession, in reality it is camouflaged punishment used with the intention of forcing children to obey by imposing power over them. A consequence is something that "naturally" or "logically" follows an action or condition: I forget my umbrella, I get wet NOT I forget my homework, I lose recess and "sit" on the wall! There is nothing natural or logical about harm and humiliation.

What happens when these practices are repeatedly imposed on children? As with being bullied, children grow
up feeling unsafe, fearful, confused, angry, hopeless, vulnerable, helpless, discouraged, complacent and a host of other distressing emotions. They begin to believe they deserve punishment and learn to distrust themselves and others, eventually viewing their needs as unimportant, bad and a burden. Ultimately, they perceive violence, manipulation and control as viable solutions.

When children continually disconnect from their divine nature, they forget who they are. As they perpetually sacrifice their inner connection to the please the outer world of adults, the result is the arduous affliction known as the "disease to please". I'm guessing many of you know what I am talking about...been there, done that, do that?!

If this practice is so harmful, why is it still used? Great question. I wonder myself. This is an old, old paradigm ready for a major overhaul.

Where do we begin? Start by examining your thoughts and beliefs about children. Be willing to peel back
each layer of assumptions and ask yourself: "Is this really true?" Just because "this is the way it's always been done" and "everyone else is doing this" doesn't justify punitive actions. As long as young people are perceived
as animals, criminals, slaves or a threat to our identity and security, we will continue to engage in unhealthy ways of caring for and about them.

And we need to re-examine our educational systems, consciously and conscientiously choosing another way. Scripted curriculums that are restrictive and unresponsive to the day-by-day learning interests and needs of children AND teachers are life-draining. Classrooms that are "interest-driven" versus "data or test driven" embrace the fullness of being alive to the joy of learning moment by moment.

Instead of using "teacher selected" lists of rules and warnings posted on walls before children ever enter classrooms, teachers and students can work in partnership generating a set of standards, agreements or ways of being together that honors the values and needs of all, knowing that at any time it is OK to revisit and revise as needed. Deeply exploring questions such as "What kind of classroom do WE want to create?" and "What kind of person do I want to be?" invites honest and authentic exploration promoting community and connections.

Letting go of control and coercion does not equal chaos. Compassionate and caring learning environments welcome conflict or challenges as opportunities for learning about one another, our selves and harmonious
ways of living and learning together. Review the August 2005 newsletter for suggestions on cultivating a compassionate classroom

If you are a parent of a child subjected to "behavior management systems" that are not harmonious with your values and/or you are not clear about the teacher's intentions, I encourage you to engage in dialogue seeking understanding. I suggest greeting this situation with curiosity, compassion, kindness and creativity.

If you are an educator currently engaging in this practice, ask yourself WHY? And keep asking, and asking and asking…

There's so much more to reveal about this topic but I think I've written enough. I'd love to receive your comments, reactions or questions!

In appreciation for the children who daily invite me to live life in the NOW!
Lovingly from my heart,
Adrian Reznik

NURTURE A CHILD "NUGGETS"

Children Are ...
by Meiji Stewart

Amazing, ACKNOWLEDGE THEM.
Believable, TRUST THEM.
Childlike, ALLOW THEM.
Divine, HONOR THEM.
Energetic, NOURISH THEM.
Fallible, EMBRACE THEM.
Gifts, TREASURE THEM.
Here Now, BE WITH THEM.
Innocent, DELIGHT WITH THEM.
Joyful, APPRECIATE THEM.
Kindhearted, LEARN FROM THEM.
Lovable, CHERISH THEM.
Magical, FLY WITH THEM.
Noble, ESTEEM THEM.
Open minded, RESPECT THEM.
Precious, VALUE THEM.
Questioners, ENCOURAGE THEM.
Resourceful, SUPPORT THEM.
Spontaneous, ENJOY THEM.
Talented, BELIEVE IN THEM.
Unique, AFFIRM THEM.
Vulnerable, PROTECT THEM.
Whole, RECOGNIZE THEM.
Xtraspecial, CELEBRATE THEM.
Yearning, NOTICE THEM.
Zany, LAUGH WITH THEM.

Copyright © 2006 Adrian Reznik